Infidelity can be an emotionally confusing experience both for the person who committed the act and for the partner who discovers the betrayal has taken place.  Since there is a lot of secrecy, guilt and shame associated with the unfaithful act it can be both difficult for the person who committed the act to take responsibility and get honest with himself/herself and for the person who was betrayed to get clarity as to why and how the infidelity occurred.

Often times the betrayal is a symptom of other problems occurring in the relationship and can prompt the couple to address the root cause of the disconnect and resolve the problems in the relationship.  In my experience the act of infidelity can either tear a couple apart or if both parties are willing to do the work necessary can bring a couple closer together.  By reviewing the list below, you can identify the reasons why people cheat and the deeper issues associated with the disconnect in the relationship.

1.    Dissatisfaction with ordinary intimacy or an inability of engaging in ordinary intimacy- If one or both members of the couple do not know how to demonstrate intimacy with his/her partner or don’t possess the skills to communicate emotionally with his/her partner, it can be so overwhelming and unfamiliar that it is avoided or unconsciously neglected.  Moreover, if a couple has lost their emotional bond or has never been able to establish an attachment with one another it can be problematic and difficult to connect.

By learning skills and having the guidance of a couples counselor to get unstuck, a couple can learn to effectively resolve problems and begin connecting more intimately with one another.

If both parties are interested in establishing a deeper bond and attachment with one another and are willing to do the work required, there is significant hope that the quality of the relationship can be nurtured and enhanced.  Even in cases where only one partner is willing to individually work on themselves in the context of the relationship, a counselor can be a useful resource as well.

2.    Out of revenge and vengeance- If a member of the couple has been hurt by his/her partner, he/she may make an irrational and emotional choice to be unfaithful out of spite.  Instead of communicating his/her hurt directly or working together as a couple to resolve the issues in the current relationship, a vengeful act takes place, which in turn exacerbate the existing problems in the relationship.

3.    Because you are not getting your needs met in your current relationship- Relationships can be a source of deep understanding, support, companionship and acceptance; however, if our desired needs are not being met is can be a great source of unrest, anxiety and heartache.  Sometimes we may not even know what we need or don’t have the insight or awareness to identify or communicate our deeper feelings and desires.

In the short-term it may seem easier to get our needs met outside the relationship without disrupting the status quo or familiar routine of the current relationship; however, this can backfire resulting in a lot of pain and damage to all parties involved.

However, if both members of the couple can learn to identify and communicate his/her needs as well as listen to and respond to his/her partner’s need, the benefits and possibilities for the relationship to transform and be fulfilling are endless.

4.    Because you have fallen out of love with your partner and/or want to indirectly end the relationship- It takes courage to admit that the love that once existed in a relationship has disappeared.  And sometimes admitting the truth has some very inconvenient consequences.  To avoid the inconvenient consequences, instead of addressing the presenting issues directly with his/her partner, he/she chooses to betray his/her partner in the hopes of finding the love they have been longing for with someone else.    Instead of investing time and energy into nurturing the current relationship, these desires are met elsewhere.

5.    To escape from the current conditions, problems and responsibilities of a relationship- As you know, relationships require work and an investment of time and energy.  When both partners are having difficulty balancing their professional and personal responsibilities or are having difficulty managing life stressors such as dealing with the in-laws, child rearing, financial challenges, and/or interpersonal conflict, it can be both overwhelming and distressing.

Moreover, if a couple is unable to communicate or resolve issues, they may find themselves either arguing (i.e. going into fight mode) or avoiding the problems (i.e. going into withdrawal mode).   Instead of address the problems or issues in the relationship, seeking help from an objective party or proactively learning the necessary skills, one partner seeks console or comfort from someone outside of the relationship.

Although initially these actions seem harmless in nature, they can quickly get out of control and lead to an emotional or physical affair.  Once the dishonesty, hiding and defensive behaviors become apart of the dynamics of the primary relationship, a wall begins to separate the couple and prevents authentic intimacy, love and respect to exist.

6.    As an experience or thrilling adventure-  The mundane routine of life can get boring and in order to spice things up, someone may become rebellious, break the normal routine of life and seek a thrill with someone outside the relationship.

Although this experience may start out as an exciting adventure, the end result is destructive for the relationship both on a individual level and on an interpersonal level.   These include:

(1) The foundation of trust in the relationship is damaged

(2) The character and integrity of the individual who committed adultery is marred

(3) The secrecy and stress of keeping information from your spouse becomes time consuming

(4) The person who was betrayed is hurt, confused and in pain

(5) The guilt and shame that ensue is strong and unavoidable whether the truth is revealed or not.

7.    Because it is viewed as a normal part of the life of a couple- Due to cultural perspectives, personal beliefs or personal values some may view extramarital relationships as a normal aspect of the relationship.

For some individuals monogamy is not a prerequisite in romantic relationships and believe that having various romantic partners is normal.  However, if both partners are not in agreement or do not see relationships in the same way this can be very dangerous territory.  This can cause a lot of emotional turmoil, jealousy and unrest both for the individual and the health of the relationship over time.

8.    Because it is a chronic impulsive or compulsive behavior-  Individuals who are dealing with sex addiction, workaholism, shopping addiction, substance use or abuse, gambling or the desire for emotional drama seek comfort from impulsive or compulsive behaviors.  However, these emotional or behavioral tendencies to cope with life stressors in maladaptive ways can compound problems that exist in the relationship.

For example, if someone does not possess the skills to cope with stress well, struggles with openly communicating needs, feelings with his/her partner or has an unreceptive partner to acknowledge those feelings or needs they may seek comfort and console from someone or something outside of the relationship.   Unfortunately, this creates a greater division in the partnership and slowly deteriorates the foundation of the relationship.

9.    To get your partners attention- Sometimes having an affair is a  indirect way of getting his/her partner’s attention or testing to see if his/her partner cares or values them in the relationship.  Although this may be passive way of connecting with the person they love, the act of betrayal can backfire and thus can cause an irreparable rift.

10.    To build up your ego and experience a sense of self-importance- If one of the members in the partnership is feeling insecure or is searching for a superficial confidence boost, they may be tempted when someone other than his/her partner gives them attention, flirts or feeds his/her ego.  It can be very alluring, enticing and intoxicating experience that can cause someone to make emotional decisions to have an affair, despite it going against his/her value system.

For more information on how to maneuver through the aftermath of infidelity and seeing how Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples can help you feel free to contact True Potential Counseling for assistance.  If you found this blog post helpful or know of friends or family who would benefit from reading this article please forward it to them.

If you are like many other men and women who are struggling with indecision, you may find yourself ruminating back and forth between various options.  You may feel internal or external pressure to make “the right decision” which causes you to delay the decision, make an impulsive one, or avoid the decision all together.  You may feel stuck in a vicious and unproductive cycle of anxiety and self-doubt.

When we are feeling anxious we become more indecisive and doubt ourselves more, consequentially, when we second guess ourselves and put off decisions we become more anxious…and so the cycle goes round and round endlessly.  Until we start breaking the cycle, by managing our anxiety effectively, trusting ourselves and helpful allies, and taking action, we will be lost in the internal labyrinth of our mind.  You can get out of the maze by following this helpful plan to gain clarity, self-confidence and begin taking calculated risks.

1.  Create A Pro And Con List- On a piece of paper draw a vertical line down the middle of the page and a horizontal line across the middle of the page, thus creating 4 separate boxes.  In the top left hand box you will write Pros and in the top right hand box you will write Cons.  You will do the same for the boxes below.

Next you will write a list of the pros and cons for one option and the pros and cons for the alternative option.  For example, if you are considering quitting your job, you would write a list of the pros and cons for staying in the job and the pros and cons to quitting the job.  Or if you are considering starting a romantic relationship, you would write a list of the pros and cons to committing to the relationship and the pros and cons to being single.  This will allow you to get a clear and rational picture rather than an emotional and one.

2.  Connect with Your Inner Wisdom- Each of us has an emotional aspect that chooses pleasure over pain and avoids hassles and discomfort.  We tend to unconsciously prioritize short-term rewards rather than long-term objectives requiring effort.  Despite our conscious desire and best intentions of striving for what we want to accomplish we sabotage ourselves.  Because our rational state of mind is linear, ridged, organized and structured we can use our logic to benefit us or to beat ourselves up.  To get out of this emotional and mental roller-coaster ride, we can shift into a wise state of mind by answering reasonable questions, challenging distorted thinking patterns, regulating our emotions, or connecting with our body sensations and intuition.  Some common questions we can ask ourselves is: What can I do now?  What can I learn from this? What do you gain from delaying taking action now?  What do you gain by following through now?  This allows us to become wise about what to do rather than overly critical or emotional.

3.  Develop Skills:  Sometimes we may need to learn skills to keep us in the present moment or skills to manage our emotions effectively.  Other times we may need to develop the skills to regulate our thoughts, tolerate distress or be effective in our interpersonal relationships in a conscious manner.  If we tend to be more emotional we need to incorporate skills more rational in nature and vice versa.  Since some of these skills were not learned in childhood or we have forgotten to use them consciously in our day to day life, integrating of these skills into our automatic responses can alleviate a lot of stress and help us to cope with the challenges we face.

4.  Identify the Internal and External Trigger that make you Feel Overwhelmed:  Each of us have our personal triggers that cause us distress or upset.  An important step to effectively manage triggers it to become aware of what bothers you.  Next you can do a behavioral chain analysis that can assist you in incorporating alternative behaviors or skills that help you get through the challenges and stressors that life inevitably has to offer.

5.  Rejecting the Need for Certainty- When you believe that every decision has a “right answer” then every small decision can lead to over-analysis and thus paralysis.  If you remind yourself that you cannot have certainty and that you don’t need it, you can begin to harness your intuition and develop self-confidence and inner trust by making choices despite not knowing the precise outcome.

Remember there are many roads leading to Rome and that every problem has a variety of answers.  Sometimes the best choice is choosing the best option available at the time and moving forward knowing that you can handle and face whatever lies ahead of you.  Otherwise delaying the process may cause you unnecessary stress and rumination and cause you to waste time and energy.  Although we may believe that not making a decision may protect us, it can also end up hurting us and result in negative consequences.

6.  Be Satisfied with your Decision- When making decisions, individuals are either “maximizers” or “satisficers.”   “Maximizers” consider every possible option, and “satisficers” look until they find an option that is good enough.

When we are “maximizers” we look at the array of possibilities that lie before us and we focus on all the missed opportunities we are saying no to instead of focusing on the one choice we are saying yes to.  By doing we brainstorm a variety of options but also fixate more on what was given up than what was gained.   When we are “satisfiers” we lower our expectations and narrow our focus on which options are good enough.  As a result “satisfiers” are more settled and happier individuals.

Often times considering every option is almost never necessary, and should be reserved for the most important life decisions. Instead of maximizing options, we can maximize our happiness by proactively choosing the option that is good enough and being satisfied with the best choices available at the time.

For more information on how to effectively make decisions or feel internal peace with the challenges that lie ahead of you one-on-one attention can benefit you and alleviate your distress.  You can get additional guidance and assistance by contacting True Potential Counseling today.  If you found this article helpful please forward this blog post onto your friends, family and loved ones.

Often times our style of thinking is so automatic we are not even consciously aware our toxic thought process.  By learning to recognize our automatic thoughts, eliminate thought distortions and replace them with realistic and balanced thoughts we can begin to create a more enjoyable and rewarding life.

Automatic Thought and Our Body

Our physiological system is wired for survival; therefore, whether we are experiencing a real threat OR an imagined threat the amygdala in our brain sends a smoke alarm signal to the body that our survival and livelihood is in danger; and either need to “fight or flee” the situation.

For example, if the amygdala receives the following message “being in this traffic is killing me and if I do not arrive to my meeting in the next 5 minutes I will lose my job” the brain believes that your livelihood is being threatened and the body automatically becomes activated.

Our cognitive thought process is so automatic and unconscious that we are not able to identify them unless we engage our orbital frontal cortex (OFC).  Our OFT allows us to make decision by rationally disputing and evaluating our circumstances.  By becoming conscious of our distorted thinking patterns, we can begin challenging these emotional thoughts and transform them from panic to serenity.

Distorted Thinking Patterns

Here’s the 10 distorted thinking patterns according to Dr. Burns.  Burns writes:

• All-Or-Nothing Thinking – You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
• Overgeneralization – You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
• Mental Filter – You pick out a single negative defeat and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water.
• Disqualifying the positive – You dismiss positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
• Jumping to conclusions – You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
  A. Mind reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out.
  B. The fortune teller error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
• Magnification (Catastrophizing) or Minimization- You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the “binocular trick.”
• Emotional Reasoning – You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.
• Should Statements – You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
• Labeling and Mislabeling – This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: “He’s a goddam louse.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
• Personalization – You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

Now What’s the Game Plan?

When you notice yourself having a physiological reaction (i.e. heart palpitation, shortness of breath, headache, etc.) or an emotional reaction (i.e. feeling sad, angry or anxious) identify what you are telling yourself.  It is most likely your pattern of thought fall into one of these distorted thinking categories above.

Identify the common distorted thinking patterns you gravitate towards and begin to challenge them.  You can challenge your automatic thoughts and replacing them with more balanced and realistic ones by practicing the following exercise 5 Simple Steps to Thinking Positive.  By doing so you will gradually create a balanced and optimistic thought process that empowers you and improves the quality of both your internal and external world.

If you found this post helpful, please forward it onto your network of friends and family.  For more information on how you can receive one-on-one assistance in changing your negative thought patterns to more balanced and realistic patterns of thought you can contact me at True Potential Counseling.

Here are some of questions to start building a clear vision of a fulfilling professional life:

•    In what industry would you like to be working? Using what skills and strengths?

•    What is unique about you that no one else can offer quite the way you do? How could you use that?

•    What values are important to you in the workplace?

•    What are you passionate about? What kind of work would allow you use those passions?

•    Do you want to work for yourself or for someone else?

•    What transferable skills do you possess?

•    What salary level would support the lifestyle you desire?

•    What are the most important elements of your lifestyle?

•    What location do you prefer?

•    What will you need to do to pursue this career or gain experience in that industry?

Secondly, look into taking an “interest inventory” to help you select a career. These objective tests help give you an idea of what you are good at and what you enjoy.

A vocational counselor may offer one or several of the following popular interest inventories:

The Holland Self-Directed Search

The Strong Interest Inventory

The Jackson Vocational Interest Survey

The Motivated Skills Test

Career Zone Interests

You can also explore your career options by interviewing professionals in the field in which you are interested.  Contacting your Alumni association, professional organizations or your local Chamber of Commerce are a good place to begin.

Another important avenue is researching the job market and reviewing the Occupational Outlook Handbook for a list of various potential industries.  Since choosing a first career or changing careers can be intimidating, doing some research you can eliminate some of the uncertainty.

Please forward this post to friends and family who are exploring different career paths or would like to change fields.  For more information on getting one-on-one assistance on career counseling contact True Potential Counseling.

• Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
• Being easily fatigued
• Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
• Irritability
• Muscle tension
• Sleep disturbance

Often times when we feel scared or overwhelmed we may either find ourselves trying to control our environment to gain a sense of peace and calm or we try to escape by avoiding or withdrawing from the situation.   However, these strategies are often short-lived and lead us eventually down the path of restlessness, uncertainty and self-doubt once again.  If you feel powerless and overwhelmed by excessive worries, ruminating thoughts and/or the external stressors in your life, you may find yourself overly stressed, tired, irritable, depressed or uptight.

An alternative strategy is implementing habits and practices in your daily routine which help calm down your central nervous system and cultivate a sense of peace and inner tranquility.  This post will offer you some helpful suggestions on how to slow down, manage your thoughts and start investing in your emotional, mental and physical well-being.

1.  Take Action- Keep in mind GAD is not a life sentence if you are committed to taking action and making some changes in your thinking and behavioral patterns.  The first step is choosing to commit to a new way of operating and prioritizing your self-care time by removing distractions and creating boundaries around your anxiety manage routine.

Invest time and energy towards improving the quality of your body, mind, heart and soul.   Remember you are worth it and are more valuable than all the tasks you have to do.  Although it may seem counter intuitive to put your well-being above your to-do-list, studies show that by taking occasional self-care breaks you are not only more efficient and effective, but also more productive and focused when doing your work.  By practicing the following suggestions regularly and making them part of your daily routine, over time you will begin to find inner peace and clarity of mind.

2.  Slow Down-People living with anxiety often are in survival mode (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response).   When our defenses of Fight and Flight are set in motion the body releases an enormous amounts of epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol.

The brain is flooded with norepinephrine to increase alertness and our ability to act.  However, too much over an extended period of time causes the brain to malfunction.

Cortisol rearranges the distribution of energy to assist with prolonged stress (i.e. increases heart rate and increases blood pressure, etc.).  However, elevated levels of cortisol and stress hormones can: damage the Hippocampus, cause a breakdown in memory and consciousness, affect mood leading to depression and fatigue, negatively impacts the immune system, creates Amygdala confusion, elicits an overabundance of fear response to non-threatening events (i.e. startle response, and Frontal Lobe difficulties).

To shift this negative cycle of stress and anxiety, we need to learn to be still and silent, to become conscious and aware of our urge and behavioral tendencies and to slow down the process so we are not automatically responding to thoughts, feelings and events in old, familiar, and unhealthy ways.

3.  Meditation:  Learning the art of meditation and practicing it regularly has many healthy benefits such as: reducing fears, helping to control thoughts, helping with focus & concentration, increasing emotional stability, improving relationships, lowering oxygen consumption, decreasing respiratory rate, increasing blood flow and slowing the heart rate, decreasing muscle tension, helping to keep things in perspective, providing peace of mind, increasing happiness, helping to discover your purpose, increasing  compassion, growing wisdom, deepening understanding of yourself and others, and bringing the body, mind, spirit in harmony just to name a few.  The following video is an example of a mediation exercise.

4. Exercise:  Cardio exercise and physical movement is an incredible stress reliever.  Just choose your favorite physical activity: dancing, running, outdoor biking, yoga or kick-boxing and get your heart moving today.

5.  Get Connected To Your Body: Connecting to your body is an effective strategy to calming the mind.  Our body is an important, yet often overlooked aspect, of our well-being.

In our fast paced world there are demands and pressures coming at us from all directions including ourselves.  When we are under stress, our mind begins to process and solve problems to gain a sense of order, control and certainty; however, over-analysis and worry can become counter productive and lead to an increase in anxiety and tension.

A helpful way to get your body back into a state of balance is by connecting to the powerful resource of our body.

6.  Hypnosis:  Hypnosis is a state of focused attention and inward concentration. The hypnotherapist brings about deep relaxation and an altered state of consciousness, also known as a trance which allows people to tap into their internal resources, be able to make personal changes and learn how to manage their own lives more effectively. In using hypnosis or self-hypnosis people are allowed to gain more self-control and access more of their potential.

7.  Just Breath: If we have a shallow breath our brain is not getting the appropriate level of oxygen it needs to manage stress effectively.  By deepening your breath and practicing breathing meditations regularly you will begin to improve your mood and state of mind.

8.  Get Out Of Your Head And Into Your Life: Over-analysis leads to paralysis.  By using a thought stopping techniques you can begin to stop your active mind and begin taking action in your life.  It is hazardous to over-think and ask fear-based questions without answering them.  Start by saying STOP to the ruminating thoughts and begin to answer ONE of the questions you are asking yourself.

By just answering the questions in your head is not sufficient because you are maintaining an activated emotional state of mind.  Instead get it down on paper by journal or writing your rational thoughts on a paper.  A way of challenging unproductive thoughts is to use a Thought Regulation Technique.

9.  Manage Your Time Effectively: Being realistic about how much time there is in a day is the first step towards time management.  The second is learning to say no to yourself and others.  Often times we become stressed and anxious because we have overextended ourselves or set unrealistic expectations on ourselves.  Begin setting boundaries around your time so various aspects of your life are not blending into one.    Review the Effective Time Management List to make positive behavioral changes in your life.

10.  Build Mastery:  Instead of being filled with self-doubt and rumination begin integrating these skills one at a time.  Instead of getting stuck in the cycle of indecision and procrastination, get some perspective and start taking action.   Begin focusing your attention on progress, NOT perfection otherwise you will self-sabotage your efforts. Fortunately with time, effort and consistent application of these strategies you can begin to enhance your well-being and decrease your anxiety level.

If you feel overwhelmed about implementing these strategies or have tried them but don’t make as much progress as you would like you may benefit from one-on-one attention with a Licensed Professional Counselor.  EDMR is an effective and brief approach used in a counseling setting to decrease triggers, PTSD symptoms, Social Anxiety, Phobias, Obsessive Compulsive or Addictive tendencies as well as Depression and Complex Trauma.  For more information you can contact me at True Potential Counseling.

In my years of clinical practice, a common theme mentioned by my clients is feeling disconnected from themselves both leading up to the impulsive behavior and especially when they are at the peak of emotional intensity; the insight and regret only kicks in after the damage has already been done.  The tools in this post will not only help you gain better insight about your problematic behavior, but also help you replace old behaviors with skills and effective behaviors that leave you feeling empowered and satisfied.

1.  Identify Your Behavior and Triggers- Start by identifying the behavior or urge that you would like to address.  Next brainstorm triggers that lead you to the behavior.  Triggers may include: people, places, situations, smells, events and times just to name a few.  Take some time to journal and list your major triggers that prompt you to eventually act impulsively.

2.  Reduce Your Vulnerabilities- Although there are various types of vulnerabilities that lay the groundwork for problematic behaviors, the basic vulnerability factors are being (H)ungry, (A)ngry, (L)onely, or (T)ired.  A helpful anachronism is HALT (a.k.a. STOP).  You can be used it to remind you to address these issues by taking proactive steps towards decreasing or eliminating these vulnerability factors.

3.  List The Consequences Of The Problem Behavior- Next list both the positive consequences that reinforce the behavior and the negative consequences of the problematic behavior.

4.  Skills Used and Required- Journal the skills you have already used and the additional skills that would be important for you to develop to help you utilize alternative strategies to the problematic behavior.  Some skills include: mindfulness, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills, thought regulation, interpersonal effectiveness skills, relaxation techniques, self-esteem development, assertiveness skills, etc.

5.  Behavior Analysis In Chronological Order-  This is the last and most important step.  It is recommended you give yourself 20-30 minutes to do this exercise so you can really become conscientiously aware of all the details involved in your behavioral cycle.

To begin choose a specific and recent example in which the problematic behavior occurred.  On a piece of paper write the problematic behavior at the top of the page and then draw a line vertically down the middle of the page.

On the left side of the page you will write write down in chronological order every (T)hought, (F)eeling, (E)vent, (BS) Body Sensations and (B)ehaviors leading up to the problematic behavior, during the problematic behavior and post-behavior.  You want this play-by-play to be as detailed as possible so you truly get a full snapshot of all the internal and external aspects that are involved in your impulsive behavior.

After you have completed the actual chain of events on the left hand side of the page, you will then write on the right hand side alternative thoughts, skills, tools, coping mechanisms, and effective behaviors you could incorporate the next time some of these similar thoughts, feelings, body sensations, behaviors and events occur.

For example, if you tend to have problems with anger your behavior analysis may look something like this…

(E) I woke up late                         Practice Time Management Skills

(B) I was rushing                           Take time to relax and meditate 5 min.

(BS) My heart was racing               Breathing exercise

(BS) Shortness of breath

(T) “I am so irresponsible”              “I am learning & will plan better.”

(E) mad, irritable, anxious                Image a happy or calm place in my mind

(B) don’t eat breakfast and leave      Prepare a healthy snack the night before

(BS) tension in my shoulders

(E) stuck in traffic

(BS) tight fists                              Progressive muscle relaxation

(T) “People are so rude”              State the facts to become objective

(E) rage, anger                              Opposite emotion exercise

(B) Yell explosively as someone   Journal about what is upsetting me

(continue…)

If you found these suggestions helpful please comment below and share with fellow bloggers how these steps improved your outcome.  Or if you know of someone who would also benefit from reading this post please share this blog with them.  For more information on how to learn skills, you can join our upcoming Skills Training Group, by contacting True Potential Counseling.

• Poor Appetite or Overeating
• Insomnia Hypersomnia
• Low Energy or Fatigue
• Low Self-esteem
• Poor Concentration or Difficulty Making Decisions
• Feelings of Hopelessness

By incorporating the following suggestions into your daily routine, you will not only start investing in your emotional and physical well-being, but also begin to empower and re-energize yourself so you can live the life you desire.  The following are 5 simple techniques that if practiced consistently on a daily basis can both improve your mood and decrease the intensity of depressive symptoms.

1.  Daily Meditation- Meditating just 5-15 minutes daily has been found to have significant health benefits and is an effective method to manage anxiety, decrease stress, improve mood, regulate hormones, and stabilize blood pressure just to name a few.  Mindfulness meditation specifically is a practice where you learn to be presently aware non-judgmentally by creating distance from your thoughts and feelings so you can have a more objective way of looking at yourself, the world or a situation.

2. Getting Adequate Sleep- Giving your body the rest and relaxation it needs after a long day of activity is vital to your emotional, physical and mental well-being.  Typically adequate sleep consists of 8 hours of optimal sleep efficiency.  Optimal sleep efficiency is when it takes anywhere from 5-20 minutes to fall asleep, sleeping throughout the night uninterrupted for 8 hours and waking up at your desired wake up time.

3. Eating Regularly From All Basic Food Groups- Regular eating is about getting adequate nutrition in your diet.  Eating proteins, carbohydrates high in fiber, a variety of fruits and veggies, eating vegetables that cover all the colors of the rainbow and eating nutritious nuts.  In addition, drinking enough water, taking a multivitamin and regular intake of fish oil high in omega-3 is recommended.

If maintaining adequate blood sugar and energy levels is necessary, it is recommended to eat smaller meals more frequently throughout the day.  For example, eating a substantial breakfast, then a snack of yogurt or nuts, a balanced lunch, then a fruit or veggie snack, dinner and then a light snack of hummus and carrots 1-2 hours before bedtime.

4. Exercising-  Getting 40 minutes of exercise at a moderate intensity 3-5 x per week has many psychological and emotional benefits.  Common mood-boosting chemicals include: endorphins and serotonin levels.  Exercise has also been know to improve self-esteem, enhanced mood, improve memory and mental functioning, and decreased stress levels.

5. Learning Cognitive Behavioral Skills or Dialectical Behavioral Skills- By being proactive and regularly learning and practicing CBT or DBT skills you will learn new and effective ways of managing your fluctuating moods.  These skills include: mindfulness skills, thought regulation skills, emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills and interpersonal effectiveness skills.

For more information on how to develop these skills and learn how to incorporate them into your life on a regular basis, contact True Potential Counseling for more information today.  By taking steps to improving your mood today you will begin laying the foundation for a healthy future.

Although intimidation, manipulation or playing the victim works occasionally, they are not the most skillful techniques to get what you want. Alternatively, assertiveness is about having a clear idea of what you want and then skillfully and directly communicating your desire, opinion or personal boundary.

Some factors that prevent us from being assertive may be: a lack of skills, worry thoughts, emotions, indecision or the environment.  Nevertheless, by developing the following skills, learning to manage your emotions and getting internal clarity about your priorities, you can start being the assertive person you have always wanted to be.

1. State the Facts- Leave judgments and perceptions behind and simply state the facts by specifically describing the issue you are wanting to address.  Next express your feelings and opinions about the situation in a clear and concise manner.  Use phrases like: “I want,” “I don’t want,” instead of “You should,” “You are..”

2.  Assert Yourself- Ask for what you want or say no clearly.  Remember the other person is not a mind reader, so don’t assume they are going to figure it out without you clearly specifying what you want.  Then you may want to communicate both the positive effects of getting what you want and the negative effects of not getting what you want, so he/she can understand the consequences.

In some instances there may be room for negotiation or brainstorming alternative solutions.  Be willing to be flexible and aim to create a win-win situation.  Conversely, if what you want is not negotiable you may need to hold your ground and stick to what you value most.   Listen to your gutt and if you need some more time to reflect feel free to take a time out and then reengage in the conversation later.

3.  Stay Focused- Remember maintain your position and stay focused on your objective.  Don’t get distracted or sidetracked.  A way to stay focused is by practicing mindfulness skills where you are presently aware of the moment while leaving all judgments behind.  Another way of staying on track is by repeatedly asking for what you want, continually saying no or expressing your opinion over and over again.  If the person begins to use intimidation tactics (i.e. attacks, threatens, etc.) or tries to change the subject don’t respond in kind.  Keep making your point rationally and ignore distractions.

4.  Look The Part- Keep in mind if you want to be assertive you have to look assertive.  To be competent and confident use a tone of voice and physical manner than exudes confidence.  Make good eye contact.  Avoid being overly apologetic or making statements that make you appear uncertain or self-doubting like “I don’t know,” or “I’m not sure.”

Remember you don’t need to threaten, attack or judge the other person to meet your objective; these are ineffective strategies that only spin the conversation out of control.  Instead be courteous, gentle and easy mannered in your approach.  By also listening to and acknowledging the other person’s feelings, wants, opinions and difficulties you can see what is in the best interest of the overall relationship.

For more information on being effective in your interpersonal relationships or enhancing your assertiveness skills, you can contact me at True Potential Counseling for more information.

If you are tired of being in overdrive at 100 mph or would like to recharge your batteries so you can get safely back on the road, these helpful tips will steer you back down Time Management Highway so you can begin managing your time effectively and enjoying the scenery along the way.

1.  Rate Your Current Time Management Skills-  On a scale from 1- 10, 1= no time management skills and 10= excellent time management skills, rate the level of your current time management proficiency and then a description for each subsequent level.  For example, if your score is 5 you might describe the next number 6 as gaining awareness of what distracts you, learn how to redirect yourself, track how you spend your time, and eliminate time wasters.  Continue describing each number all the way to 10.  Since you have to know where you are going on the map in order to get to your destination, creating a clear idea of where you want to go is an important first step.

2.  Limit Yourself To 3 To-Do’s Per Day:  Often when we are learning to manage our time or learning anything new and different, we need to start small and practice the basic fundamentals.  By limiting yourself to 3 to-do’s you will learn how to both set realistic expectations and lay down the basic foundations to this new way of managing your time effectively.

3.  Track How You Are Currently Spending Your Time- There are only 24 hours in a day,  Once you subtract sleeping (8 hours), preparing and eating 3 meals (3 hours) , getting ready for the day and bedtime (1-2 hours), self-care time (1 hour) and getting to and from work, school, etc. (1-2 hours) there is really only 10 hours left approximately.  Take a couple of days and track how you are currently spending your time and see where you can eliminate potential time consuming pitfalls.

4.  Eliminate Time Wasters-  Become consciously aware of all the distracting time wasters that exist in your life.  For example, surfing the internet and responding to emails.  Begin by setting a time limit for internet surfing and only check your emails 1 time per day.  By creating boundaries around these low-priority distractions, you will begin to not only complete your top priority tasks but also be more focused and empowered.

5.  Prioritize Your Tasks At The Beginning Of The Day- By taking just 10 minutes in the morning (or the night before) to decide your top priority tasks for the day, you will reduce low-priority distractions and time wasters that steer you off course down Procrastination Lane.

6.  Set Time Limits On Tasks And Stick To Them- Set realistic time limits for each task and if the clock strikes and the task is incomplete move on to the next task.  Although it may be anxiety provoking for some perfectionists out there to move onto the next task when the previous task remains incomplete, this will be a helpful tool to change your self-sabotaging behavior and to become more a disciplined, accountable and effective time manager.

7.  Learn To Say No- You can’t do it all and you have to say no sometimes.  Saying yes solely out of guilt, obligation or fear of disappointing others are not good reasons for saying yes.  A starting point for learning to say no is developing assertiveness skills.  You can begin to assert yourself by telling the person or yourself that you need some time to think about it.  This will allow you to stop saying yes based on emotions and begin to start saying yes OR no after careful evaluation.  By allowing yourself some time to get into a calm and clear state of mind you can more rationally evaluate the pros and cons of saying yes or no.

8.  Make Time For Fun-  It is important to keep in mind that life is not just about tasks and work, but also about play time.  If you deny yourself the simple pleasures of life and don’t create specific blocks of time for joyful and stress reducing activities, you will often feel depleted of energy and may unconsciously sabotage your efforts when you are in work mode.  It is vital to your overall well-being to have some down time where you can take a break, slow down, and enjoy the scenery.  For example, take 5 minutes various times throughout the day to take a walk outside, stretch or practice a relaxation exercise.  Get your body moving by exercising and releasing some of the built up stress in your body.  Nurture yourself by taking a warm bath or preparing a healthy meal for yourself.  Recharge your batteries with a funny movie or just spending time with people who make you laugh.

If you would like any additional support on improving your time management and stress management skills, feel free to contact me at True Potential Counseling for more information.

Infidelity weakens the level of trust, safety and security in a marriage; however, a couple can begin the healing process and make their relationship stronger than before if:

1) The Extra-Marital Affair Ends-By keeping the affair active or protecting the affair, the hurt spouse continues to be walled off and an emotional distance continues to separate husband and wife.  A vital step for the unfaithful partner to take is ending the extra-marital relationship and to begin opening up to his/her partner.  By getting actively engaged in the marriage again he/she is now protecting the marriage and walling off the affair.

2) The Unfaithful Partner Gets Honest- It is important for the unfaithful partner to get honest about all aspects of the affair.  Being courageous and taking accountability for his/her actions is fundamental after act of emotional or physical infidelity has occurred.  If there are any aspects of the affair that are kept hidden, a barrier will continue to divide the couple and will prevent the couple from becoming emotionally intimate with one another.  Until there is an honest disclosure the betrayed spouse will be consumed with doubt, analysis and fear and the unfaithful spouse will carry secrets, shame and remorse.

3) Compassion and Empathy Towards Your Partner- The third key for strengthening the bond between husband and wife is for both partners to have compassion for each others feelings. When marriage vows have been broken, the feelings of pain and hurt or shame and guilt can be difficult to bare.  Therefore, it is important for the unfaithful partner to have empathy towards his/her spouse’s feelings and needs, and to acknowledge the pain he/she has caused.  Moreover, it is important that the betrayed partner to openly share his/her feelings while also being open to understanding and having compassion for the needs and feelings of his/her spouse.

4) Rebuilding Trust- One way to begin rebuilding trust is for the couple to identify which trust-enhancing behaviors would help rebuild the safety and security in the relationship.  This allows the couple to remain focused on present day solutions and to be proactive about repairing the broken relationship in the here and now.  Moreover, the couple together can evaluate and resolve the problems that existed in the relationship prior to the affair.

Often times it is helpful to seek consultation from a Marriage Counselor to facilitate and guide the couple through this process, since the emotions can become very intense and it can be difficult to find the solutions or even see the problems when you are so immersed in them.

However, by taking these steps, the couple can gain insight and awareness into his/her own behaviors, perceptions, feelings and needs as well as learning and understanding his/her partner’s experience in the relationship.  This can empower the couple to begin creating a fulfilling relationship today and to start planting the seeds of hope for the future health of the marriage.

For more information on coping with the aftermath of infidelity you can visit http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/

Solution: Prepare some healthy snacks like cut up fruit or vegetables and leave them in the fridge. If you decide to grab something to eat why not eat a healthy treat.

2. “I Shouldn’t Eat That.” Societal messages glorifying the importance of thinness has led to restrictive dieting tendencies in teens and young adults. By creating rules and guidelines around which foods are forbidden, it can lead to an endless cycle of restriction, breaking “the plan” and then feeling guilty and self-loathing as a result. To numb the negative feelings either the cycle of over-indulgence in restricted food continues or one may engage in harmful restricting or purging behaviors to try to cope.

Solution: Focus instead on healthy eating habits and exercise habits in general. Become aware of distorted thinking patterns and begin to challenge them or get a more balanced and realistic point of view. Focus on your overall physical well-being and health. Remember no harm will be done if you allow yourself to eat foods high in fat in moderation occasionally. Maintain a normal blood sugar level by eating small amounts every 3 hours. If binging, purging or restricting are occurring, seek advice from a Licensed Professional Counselor or Psychologist as these compulsive behaviors have very serious health risks attached to them.

3. “I Don’t Have Any Energy.”- After spending your day studying, working or both, you feel drained and tired. When you are experiencing low levels of energy you may reach for food to give us a boost. Feeling stressed or lacking vitality may cause you to reach for foods high in sugar, salt or carbohydrates. Although this may give us energy in the short-term, in the long-term it results in a depletion of energy.

Solution: Give yourself proper nutrition on a regulate basis to improve your energy level. Reach for foods high in vitamins and nutrients such as protein, nuts, fruits and vegetable, and carbohydrates high in fiber to give you some get up and go. Become aware of your low-energy periods of the day and substitute them with other activities for eating. Participate in alternative behaviors like taking a walk, chatting with friends, taking a break and getting a drink of water, relaxing, reading a book or listening to music that is positive and energizing.

4. Habits- Your daily routine is not as healthy as it could be and your habits may be so automatic that you are not even aware of them. If we have difficulty managing stress or have a lack of physical activity we may feel out of balance. Excessive eating may become an unhealthy coping mechanism for dealing with emotions. Since overeating could have a ritualistic nature, your tendencies can occur at specific times in the day or in particular places.

Solution: Begin incorporating stress reduction tactics into your daily routine (i.e. exercise, yoga, meditation, journal, watch a funny movie, etc.). Become aware of your triggers and tendencies and change you routine.  Get a hobby that interests you. Address feelings of depression, anger and anxiety and reach out to a friend or a Licensed Professional Counselor for help.

5. “I Hate My Body.” If you are having difficulty accepting your body you may only be focusing on what is wrong and missing the big picture. There can be various thought distortions like: all-or-nothing thinking, over-generalization or catastrophic thinking, which are skewing your perspective and causing you to have an irrational view of yourself, the world, or the situation.

Solution: Seek professional advice from a dietitian or psychologist who will help you overcome these feelings of self-loathing and map out a plan to increase your self-esteem and improve your body-image. Identify your gifts, qualities and talents that you possess and celebrate those gifts daily.

6. Feeling Stressed Out!!!- You have pressures coming at you from different directions and are left feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. You spend a lot of your energy trying to live up to other people’s expectations or feel discouraged by other people’s remarks that you are exhausted. If you tend to be a perfectionist you may set such high and unrealistic expectations that you feel constantly defeated. Reaching for comfort food may be a way of coping with feeling out of control in your internal world.

Solution: Have compassion for yourself and take time out of your daily schedule to focus on self-care and relaxation is vital to your overall well-being. When our bodies are in a constant state of high alert our body releases toxic chemicals such as adrenaline, hormones, and cortisol. In order to prevent your stress level from passing the threshold, is important to give yourself permission to slow down. 

Take 5 minutes to breath and activate the parasympathetic system that calms down your central nervous system. Only then will your body be able to restore its natural balance and regulate your emotional and physiological system.

Learning to manage your emotions can lead to long-term success in life, instead of the temporary solution of turning to food or compulsive behaviors to cope. If you feel emotional eating is a problem, it may be wise to work with a counselor trained in eating disorders to help you create a healthy lifestyle and improve your quality of life.

1. Get physically active. Whether it is going on a bike ride or going on a day trip to a nearby town or city, getting physically active is a great way to change the routine and dynamics in your relationship. Plus getting some exercise reduces your level of stress, improves your mood and alters serotonin levels.

2. Getting Playful and Creative. Maintaining your youthful spirit and childlike nature can keep things light in your relationship. Some suggestions include: having friends over for a game night, being silly and humorous with one another, or getting playful and creative in the bedroom. These activities allow you to have fun with each other and grow closer together, rather than becoming bored and feeling disconnected from the one you love.

3. Being a Life-long Learner. Take a class together and learn something new. Whether it is taking a dance class, signing up for a cooking lesson or going to an interesting seminar or workshop being mentally engaged with your partner can add vitality to the relationship. Plus it can add some variety to your general topics of conversation.

4. Be Spontaneous and Try Something New. Use your imagination and brainstorm together various activities you would each like to try. Then create a list of places you would like to go (i.e. restaurants, cities, etc.). Then randomly select an event or place each week and have some fun.

5. Have a Date Night Once A Week. Often times when there are children involved, a couples time becomes limited and become impatient with their partner. In order to curb this potential challenge and create some boundaries, it is recommended to establish a weekly date night for the couple to reconnect and add some romance to the relationship. Hiring a babysitter or asking friends and family to give you a night off will allow you to nurture your partner and rekindle the spark on a weekly basis.

For more information on how to improve your relationship visit my website at http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/

1. Remember Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day: Cultural adjustment takes time. Be fair with yourself. Expect that integration into a new culture can be challenging. Be patient with yourself you are in a process of learning.
2. Compare Notes: Chat with other expatriates you know and share your experiences with one another.
3. You Got Skills Girlfriend: List your accomplishments, internal resources and transferable skills that you possess and apply them to your current life circumstance. If you do not possess those skills, develop the necessary skills. Some examples include mindfulness and stress reduction techniques.
4. Spread Your Wings So You Can Fly: Research about your new location, seek out expat clubs, business associations, sporting groups and other social clubs (ask to be included before you leave home or get involved today).
5. Muster Up The Courage: Explore your new community because it will give you a sense of control.
6. Be Alert Of Signs Of Mental Illness: An expatriate assignment, like any significant life change, can worsen or even precipitate mental illness such as depression, anxiety or a range of adjustment disorders. The expatriate who experiences deep and persistent adjustment difficulty or mood changes, or observes the same in a family member, should seek the advice of a mental health professional.
7. Learn The Local Language: Learn the basics before you go to lower the impact of culture shock on arrival or begin learning today.
8. Try To Leave Judgments Behind: Try your hardest not to compare your new location with your old location…comparing will hinder your ability to settle in…accept that different people and cultures have different ways of operating this can help you reduce nasty culture shock.
9. Smile: Despite it being hard sometimes, try to shift your mood and turn that frown upside down.
10. Reframe From Regret To Rejoicing: Although you need to acknowledge the grief and loss of your career/job and your friends and family, you can also look at this transition as an opportunity. Celebrate that you have the freedom and time to do what you have always wanted, explore your new surroundings, travel to new countries and meet new people, start your own business, pursue higher education, get healthy, pursue a new hobby, learn a new language, give back, take culture classes, spend more quality time with your partner and kids, learn about the stock market, take your time to relax and get balanced…the possibilities are endless.

For additional resources, support or counseling you can visit my website at True Potential Counseling. I am an English speaking Counselor who provides counseling to expats, business men and women abroad, and cross-cultural couples.

1. Go To Bed Early (Before 10pm) And Wake Up Early (Before 8am)- Too much sleep can leave you feeling lethargic and too little can leave you feeling depleted.  Everyone’s internal system is different, so test out different sleeping routines to see what works best for you.  Discovering the ideal amount of sleep you need based on your body type and lifestyle, will be a major lifesaver.

2. Turn On The Light- First thing in the morning open up the window and let some sunlight in, preferably natural sunlight.  However, if you live in a region of the world where natural sunlight is rare, artificial light will do.  Expose to light in the morning sends an important signal to our brain that nighttime is over and the day has begun.  This can literally and figuratively add a ray of sunshine to the start of your day.

3. Get Moving- Do some light yoga or go to the gym and exercise for at least 30 minutes in the morning.  Getting your body going allows you to loosen your muscles and get your joints hydrated during the cold winter months. Also taking your time to meditate and become presently aware is very important in enhancing well-being.

4. Take A Refreshing Shower- This can get you ready for a fresh new day during those cold winter months by warming up your bones and getting your circulation going.

5. Get Social- Getting connected with other people, either in your neighborhood or meeting up with a friend, can really lift your spirits and add some joy to your day.

I’d also love to hear from you.  Please comment below and share your suggestions for preventing the wintertime blues.  For more information, you can also visit my website at http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/

1. Ask yourself, “What Do I Want My Child To Learn?”: Your role as a parent is very similar to the role of a teacher.  When dealing with your child’s difficult behavior, it is important to think about what you want to teach your child whenever you want to get a message across to them.  For instance, if they are struggling with getting their homework in on time, teaching them organizational skills or time management skills would be helpful.

2.  Setting Limits- Setting boundaries with your child does not mean that you are being uncaring, but rather are being practical and realistic about what is and what is not possible. As a parent do you ever fall into the emotional trap of guilt, fear, frustration or reactivity? If so, you are not alone.  A simple way to avoid getting caught up in the emotional parenting trap is by focusing on your child’s behavior, rather than on the emotional state of the moment.  This will provide you with a compass on how to maneuver through the situation, because you will no longer be getting caught up in the power struggles, the emotional drama, or the internal guilt trip that clouds your judgment, but rather will be able to address the real problem; your child’s disruptive behavior at home. Also be aware of your child’s ability to turn one parent against the other and prevent this from happening by remaining a united parental team.

3.  Establish New Rules- You teach your child how to treat you. You child is behaving negatively because they have the perception and attitude that you as the parent have lost control.  You can begin reclaiming your role as the parent and your sense of control by clearly establishing new rules in the household and defining what behaviors are unacceptable.  Then outline the consequences that will ensue as a result of his/her behavior and FOLLOW THROUGH on those consequences. This part if very important.  If you want your child to begin taking you seriously, you too need to be serious and follow-through on the consequences that you establish.  If not, the same behavior will continue to occur, leaving you powerless and a hostage in your own home.  The choice is yours.

Please feel free to comment below on how these tips were beneficial and share techniques you have used that have been successful.  For more information please visit my website at http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/

A foreigner can can continually fluctuate from each of these phases over the course of 1 month to 3+ years.  Some symptoms you may experience if you are having difficulty adjusting is feeling depressed, anxious, withdrawing, becoming angry or reactive, overeating, under eating, loneliness, having difficulty in your relationships with your spouse or your children, feeling restless or sleeping all the time or abusing substances like alcohol.  If you are in need of emotional support or are interested in getting on the fast track on alleviating your distress around adaptation and assimilation please contact me at http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/.  I am located in Europe and provide individual and couple’s counseling to expats in Milan, Italy and online counseling to English speakers overseas and in the USA.

This message is powerful because it is a pure and authentic view of love that has a felt-sense of warmth and beauty.  Often times if a couple is arguing with each other, dealing with insurmountable problems or are dealing with a personal struggle, it is likely that either one or both parties have lost touch with love and have gone down the ally way of fear and darkness.  When this happens it is important for the couple to reconnect with the powerful light of love to guide them home back to a place of safety, comfort, and hope.  Sometimes this ally way is so dark and is filled with so many obstacles, that a couple needs the help of a Marriage Counselor to brighten up the path ahead.  If you are interested in reconnecting with your partner and getting back into the arms of the one you love, feel free to contact me at http://www.truepotentialcounseling.com/go/contact/

Making a promise is easy; however, the endeavor to consistently follow through on those promises can be daunting at times.  Periodically we find it easier to agree to undertaking an impossible task as opposed to facing the discomfort of saying no to someone.  Although being honest about our limitations can be unpleasant for us and disappointing to others on occasions, being a person of integrity and sincerity is a valuable asset. Being trustworthy and reliable is our most powerful possession because it not only develops our character but also cultivates a sense of safety and security in our personal and professional relationships.

If you do catch yourself in a lie, reflect on your motivation for hiding the truth.  And if you fall into the trap of not keeping your word, simply acknowledge it and make amends immediately.   By following through on your commitments and agreements you prove you are worthy of trust and demonstrate to others your value for integrity and honesty.  If you would like additional assistance or desire counseling services, feel free to visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com.

Secondly, plan for power hours. You can do so by asking yourself, “What are the most effective things I can be doing?” Often times procrastination and our micromanagement of our time keeps us stuck or running aimlessly in the hamster wheel of our lives; therefore, taking time to generate ideas for an hour actually may make us more effective, efficient and cut out all those wasted hours on menusha. It may be uncomfortable at first to break the routine and habitual patterns, but it will save you a lot time and energy in the long run and will allow your creative juices to flow more easily.

Next make new friends. Get out there ans expose yourself to new relationships and ideas that open your eyes to new possibilities. This can also help you identify and break bad habits that hinder you from doing your best work.

Fourth, stay energized and manage your energy. Don’t overwhelm yourself by pressuring yourself to pursue each of your ideas on a short deadline. This creates a lot of unnecessary stress and leads to chaos, frustration and havoc. It is important to regularly prune your work life and personal life by removing things that are not necessary.

Lastly, is to gain focus by defining the problem we are wanting to solve and establishing a goal on how to resolve the issue. By defining the problem and setting a destination, we can have the useful information to move forward and to identify what we are wanting to achieve.

This article was inspired by Todd Henry’s book The Accidental Creative: How to Be Brilliant at a Moment’s Notice. For more information on how to harness your own brilliance please contact me at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

a) Exercise to alleviate stress.
b) Journaling your thoughts and feelings
c) Visualization of a safe and comforting place
d) Muscle progression- where you tighten and release each muscle of the body one at a time.
e) Sharing your feelings and needs with your significant other and if that is not possible social supports or a licensed professional counselor.
f) Breathing exercises
g) Yoga
h) Seeking marital counseling to get back to that loving feelings with your partner and out of the negative cycle that you both keep getting stuck in

For more details of assistance you can visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

• What do you consider clean or dirty?  How often do you clean?  Rate your own level of cleanliness and the level of cleanliness of your partner now.  Compare your answers.  Then each write a list of potential household tasks.  Brainstorm how you will delegate responsibilities.
• How many hours do you work? What does your sleep look like? Are you a morning person or a night person?  What time do you wake up during the week?  What time do you go to bed?  What time do you wake up and go to bed on the weekends?
• How do you typically like to spend your time during the week?  During the weekends?
• Do prefer to live in a city, the country or suburbs?  Are you willing to relocate if necessary?
• What type of food do you typically eat? Do you eat at home? How often?  Do you eat out? How often? Do you drink alcohol or do drugs? How often? How much? Do you like to entertain/go out or do you prefer to stay in and be a homebody?
• Rate the energy level of yourself and your partner.  Compare each others scores and discuss.
• Rate each others temperament from easygoing to reactive.  Compare each others scores and discuss.  Give examples if necessary.
• How much money do you currently spend a month?  Are you a saver or spender?  Discuss your current debts, assets, monthly budget, monthly expenses and monthly income.  Write a list of expenses and discuss how you as a couple will organize your finances. Discuss how often you would like to have a date night and vacations.  Decide if money will be communal or separate; if expenses will be split evenly or in proportion to each person’s income.
• Have each partner rate their ideal frequency of sex or cuddle time.  Discuss personal sexual fantasies, emotional intimacy needs, etc.
• Each partner will eflect on their family value blueprint by identifying 5 adjectives or phrases to describe the qualities that were valued in their family of origin. Secondly, each partner will discuss their perspective on the role of the opposite gender. For example:  A wife is responsible for or provides X to the family…(list 3) A husband is responsible for or provides X to the family…(list 3)).

By taking the time to do this with your partner, it will provide  each of you with a clearer understanding of your partner and allowing you to enter into this decision with eyes wide open.  Sometimes these topics may be more complex or require the assistance of a Marriage Counselor to help you get unstuck and get resolution in the relationship.  For more information visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com.

If you are single, you may want to write a letter to your future mate and be as descriptive as possible as to the type of man or woman you want as your partner. If you are in partnership, write a letter about the qualities and characteristics you most admire in your mate and the qualities that you offer to the relationship. Then describe how you as a couple would move through those areas of challenge in a new way (please use the present tense as though it is already a reality today). Also shed light on the areas in which you would like to show up differently in the relationship and then describe how you envision yourself to be in the future.

Be creative and leave out any judgments towards self and your partner. Trust your vision. When the pathways seems dark, learn to be comfortable with these glimpses of light that guide you towards the vision for your relationship and your life. Sometimes these dark areas can be challenging to maneuver and the support and guidance from a professional may be necessary. If you need additional help please visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com today.

For more information on how to begin this process you can visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

1. Commit In Writing: A suggestion is for both partners to commit in writing to ending criticism and blame and recommitting each time that agreement is broken. In writing this contract is is recommended to avoid modifiers such as: better, more, greater, etc.
2. Blame Jar: create a blame jar and everytime either partner blames the other they are required to pay a fine and put money in the blame jar.
3. Humor and Encouragement: incorporate a sense of humor and remember to applaud and appreciate your partner through words of affirmation and encouragement
4. Growth: keep in mind that each partner may grow at a different rate in their awareness and that the couple does not required to evolve at the same rate. Remember that the relationship is big enough for you to be who you are and grow as an individual and still be connected to your parnter.
5. Flexibility: it is important for both people in the relationship to be flexible to different points of view and an openness to creative and personal growth.
6. Get Real Conversations: engaging in genuine, honest and healing conversations where you own and acknowledge your own contribution to the problem rather than avoiding them. You can do so by shifting from a blaming or self-blaming stance to an “I wonder how I can shift to create the shift I want in my relationship…”

For more information on how to create this shift in your relationship with your partner, please visit: www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ijqkun6jtg

Can you think of areas in your life where you feel stuck and may benefit from freeing yourself from the painful memories of the past?  Could you imagine living into a more fullfilling present and future?  What do you think of this appproach?  Would you find it helpful in your personal or professional growth?  How might this not be the approach for you?  What would you need to help you along your healing journey?  

Feel free to comment below on your thoughts or reflections after viewing this video and reading this post.  To inquire about how you could schedule an EMDR session, please visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com.

1) Fear that if we open up to our full success and potential, we will outshine others.
2) Fear that if we open up to our full success and potential, we are being disloyal to our roots.
3) Fear that if we open up to our full success and potential, we will be a burden to the world.
4) Fear that if we open up to our full success and potential, our fundamental flaws will be exposed to the world.

Often times we can hide from our own awareness of our own fears, discomfort and insecurities; however, when we are in a relationship these issues gets pulled up to the surface. Instead of shining our light on these aspects of ourselves, we can fall into the trap of blaming our partner, defending ourselves or a variety of other defense mechanisms. However, if we lean into the discomfort and explore these aspects of ourselves with curiosity, wonder and introspection we can deepen our awarenss of ourselves and become open to change.

For more information on how you and your partner can create change in your relationship, please visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com. Photos provided by http://www.kellyandersonphotography.com/

1) Let go of being offended- Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place and leads to conflict, resentment, restlessness and a guarded heart.

2) Let go of the need to win- Share your observations, feelings and needs with grace. love and respect while also seeking to understand your partner.  Regulate your own emotions when triggered and take a time out if you or your partner need to calm down. 

3) Let go of your need to be right-  I have seen people end some of the most beautiful relationships by sticking to their need to be right.  When you let go of your need to being right you reconnect to love your greatest source of power and inner strength.  A helpful question to ask yourself is, Do I want to be right or happy?

4)  Let go of your need to be superior- focus on your personal growth instead of exhausting your energy on changing or teaching your partner the “right” way to be, act or feel.  Use this situations as an opportunity to reflect and expand your ability to love and accept yourself and your partner.   However, if it is an abusive relationship the circumstances are much more complex; therefore, I suggest seeking additional support in therapy, friends, or support group.

5)  Let go of your need to have more- detach yourself from the need of having more and be grateful and satisfied with the blessings you currently have in your life and your relationship.    Otherwise, you will be constantly dissatisfied, never feel that you have enough and will be relentlessly striving for more to no avail.  By appreciating the abundance in your present situation you will be planting seeks of gratitude for a more fruitful future.

6)  Let go of your reputation- Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business.  Instead listen to your heart and live your life according to your inner voice.  Take responsibility for what does lie inside of you your character, your words, your actions and leave your reputation for others to debate.

7)  Let go of fear- Often times when in conflict with our partner, we either consciously or unconsciously, shield ourselves from hurt and protect our hearts.  This fear keeps us from simply being with and trusting our partner.  When we begin to see reality through our heart and not our heads, we open ourselves up to new power, new opportunities for growth, to greater harmony, love and joy in our lives.

For additional couple counseling needs visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

Photos provided by http://www.kellyandersonphotography.com/

Some solutions for these array of obstacles are the following:

SWOLLEN BREASTS and SORE NIPPLES:  It is suggested to apply warm compresses to your breasts prior and after feedings or whenever you feel pain.  Another option is to soak in a warm tub of water to help relieve the pain.  An alternative is to alternate between ice packs and warm compresses if you are not breastfeeding.  Since Using an ice pack will inhibit milk flow this therapy is not suggested only before feedings.  Hydration is also very important.  Drinking at least eight to ten 8 oz. glasses of water every day is recommended.   Also be sure to eat a diet high in fiber and vitamin C.  This will help remove toxins from the body and keep your skin hydrated.  Stay away from spicy or processed foods, since this can slow down your digestion and create further inflammation.

STOMACH ISSUES:   If your newborn is having stomach issues there is a high likelihood that they are having a reaction to the premilk, this is a thin white fluid discharged from the breasts at the beginning of milk production, which is full of sugar and can irritate a baby’s stomach.  It is suggested to get rid of the initial premilk and then innitiate breast-feeding so your newborn will only drink the hindmilk,  which contains less sugar.  This will significantly decrease the stomach issues your child experiences.

NOT LATCHING ON:  If your baby is not latching on correctly your newborn will not get the nutrition necessary for increased body weight.  It is recommended to take the baby of and on until he or she latches on properly.  You can do so by putting your finger under her chin to feel her chin moving.  You will also want to look for a wiggle at her ears when he or she eats and to listen to your baby swallowing to ensure that the baby is receiving the milk properly.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommend moms breast-feed for at least a year, especially the first 6 months.  Since the milk contains antibodies to fight infection and develop a healthy immune system, there are significant health benefits for the baby such as: fewer cases of ear infections, reduction in the amount of possbile respitory problems and less gastrointestinal problems.  It is noted that children also do better academically later in life if they were breastfed and received the nutritional benefits in the early developmental stages of their life.

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

Prakrita Questionnaire

Select the choices that best match your tendencies over the span of your lifetime.

Physical Stature:  V) Slim or slender, tall or short, tissues not well developed; P) Moderately developed body, medium built; K) well built, stout, stocky

Weight: V) light weight, if weight is gained the pounds are easily shed; P) Medium weight, average good muscles, does not gain weight easily; K) Heavy, easy to gain weight and very difficult to lose.

Chest: V) thin, small, narrow rib cage; P) Medium; K) large, thick, cool and firm

Hands: V) long, thin, dry, cold or rough; P) medium, warm and pink; K) large, thick, cold and firm

Fingers: V) long, thin and narrow; P) medium, pink and pointed; K) large, thick stocky fingers

Face: V) oval, narrow; P) triangular, pointed chin, prominent jaw line; K) round, large, soft contoured

Complexion: V) dull darkish; P) red, ruddy, warm, oily; K) White, pale, smooth

Eyes: V) small, dark, active and unsteady; P) medium, sharp, penetrating, blue of green; K) big, beautiful, calm

Nails: V) brittle, break easily, dry, rough; P) sharp, flexible, pink, lusterous; K) thick, oily, smooth

Lips: V) thin, dry, darkish, small; P) red, medium, soft, nice curves; K) large, full, smooth, white, oily

Joints: V) cold, cracking, small; P) medium, loose; K) large, thick, deep seated

Legs: V) thin, excessively long or short, prominent joints; P) Medium; K) large, big, stocky

Activities: V) always on the go, very active, quick, hyper; P) purposeful, thoughtful, motivated, goal-seeking; K) steady, slow, relaxed

Stamina/Strength: V) low stamina, poor endurance, getts tired after some activity; P) Medium; K) good endurance, can keep working for a long time

Speech: V) quick, talkative, wrratic, inconsistent; P) specific, convincing, argumentative; K) slow, not very talkative, not to the point, good listener

Voice: V) weak, hoarse, low; P) sharp, high pitch, loud; K) good tone, deep, easy to listen to, could be loose due to congestion

Appetite: V) variable, goes up or down; can feel anxious without food; P) strong, does nto do well skipping a meal, sharp; K) low, can easily skip a meal

Digestion: V) irregular, can form gas P) quick, can cause burning K) prolonged, can form mucus

Bowel Movements: V) constipation P) regular but can sometimes be loose  K) regular, can be thick or oily

Sleep: V) interrupted, scanty or insomnia, wakes up at 3:00am P) little sleep K) heavy, prolonged sleep, difficluty waking up

Dreams: V) dreams often, active dreams, flying, jumping, sometimes nightmares P)  passionate, fiery, war, vivid colors K) romantic, pretty, sentimental, not many dreams

Weather Preferences: V) humid, warm weather P) cooler weather K) dry, warm weather

Temperment: V) lively and enthusiastic by nature, change is good P) purposeful and intense K) accepting, supportive and easy going

Under Stress: V) can be fearful, feel anxiety, can be flexible, can feel uncertain P) can feel anger, can feel jealousy, feel very determined K) feels calm, can feel attachment, can feel greedy

Memory: V) recent good but forgets quickly P) I remember what I want, and never forget K) remembers slowly but then never forget

Resistance: V) weak immune system, gets sick frequently P) moderate immune system, prone to infections K) do not get sick very easily, strong immune system

Disorder Tendencies: V) pain, constipation, nervous system, arthritis, mental disorders P) fevers, inflammatory disorders, skin disorders, heartburn K) respiratory disorders, allergies or mucus, weight gain, digestive problems

VATA _______                   PITA ________         KAPHA _______

Helpful links to find out what is the best diet and lifestyle:

Vata: http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_vatalifestyle.htm

            http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_vatadiet.htm

            http://www.whatsyourdosha.com/vatadiet.htm

            http://www.ayur.com/dosha/vata.html

Pita:   http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_pittadiet.htm

            http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_pittalifestyle.htm

            http://hubpages.com/hub/The_Best_Diet_For_Pitta_Dosha_Type

            http://www.whatsyourdosha.com/pittadiet.htm

Kapha:  http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_kaphadiet.htm

                http://www.ayurbalance.com/explore_kaphalifestyle.htm

                http://www.whatsyourdosha.com/kaphadiet.htm

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

How can these conflicts in romantic or marital relationships be resolved reasonably if we can’t instantaneously and rationally understand why we are triggered?  How can we even begin to resolve the conflict if we can’t authentically connect with or articulate to our partner our primary emotions?  Our primary emotion is are the authentic and vulnerable feelings when we are experiencing emotional or physical pain.  These emotions include: hurt, sadness, shame, fear and loneliness.  Typically when we are in an activated state we automatically resort to our secondary emotion as a form of self-preservation.  Our secondary emotions include: anger, frustration, jealousy, irritability, or distaste.  Some common behaviors include: intellectualizing, avoiding, rationalizing, justifying, defending, explaining, judging, critiquing, criticizing, blaming or finding fault in our partner.  As a result the couple may spiral into a familiar and negative pattern of communication like the blame game, a demon dialogue, or withdrawal.  In the moment this seems like the safer and easier option; however, this form of “safety” comes at a great cost…the love, security and connection you desperately long to have with your partner. 

When couple’s come to that fork in the road, they are deciding to either break-up or seek help and alleviate the cycle of pain and hurt in the relationship.  Fortunately, Emotionally Focused Therapy is an effective approach that not only assists couples in creating a healthy routine in their communication patterns, but also promotes awareness, authentic communication and a deeper connection within the relationship.  For more information on couple’s therapy and resources please visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com. Photo provided by http://www.kellyandersonphotography.com/

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

What students, parents and other adults can do when they see this behavior?  Evidence shows that bullying peaks in middle school and contrary to societal beliefs, female bullying is on the rise.  Parents can help develop and increase self-esteem of the child and learn effective parents and communication skills.  Teaching values and principles of respect, trust, understanding, communication, self-esteem, how to cooperate and defend themselves, turn schools into genuine communities, teach kindness. 

Olweus Bullying Prevention Program was implemented in 1983 in Norway after 2 teenage victims of bullying committed suicide.  In order to address this pressing problem in the school system, teachers, janitors, and bus drivers were all trained in identifying instances of bullying and taught how to intervene.  In addition, children in every grade participated in a weekly classroom discussion about friendship and conflict and parents were involved in the process from the beginning.  As a result of this “It Takes a Village To Raise a Child” philosophy reports of being bullied and bullying of others was drastically reduced by 50%.  Not only did the peer and teacher ratings of bullying problems yield similar results, but there was also a marked reductions in student reports of general antisocial behavior, such as vandalism, fighting, theft, and truancy.  There were clear improvements in the classroom social climate, as reflected in students’ reports of improved order and discipline, more positive social relationships, and more positive attitudes toward schoolwork and school.  Dr. Dan Olweus, is the pioneer of bully prevention and more information can be found on http://www.olweus.org.

By society choosing not to tolerate bullying and the community taking action in addressing this issue directly, not only will improvements be found in the school community, but in our community generations to come.  Parents can decrease the odds of violent or bullying behavior by creating a nurturing environment where the child feels loved, important, safe and secure.  A strong and secure attachment with parents and other role models enables a child to explore the world and establish healthy relationships with others.  Encouraging empathy at an early age is paramount.  On the contrary, parental neglect, abuse, a highly critical or chaotic home life may have the opposite effect.  Children who are exposed to violence at home are more likely to bully.  Student learning leadership and respect skills so they can have the skills to think independently, develop awareness and mindfulness skills so they can speak to a school representative, stand up for the underdog.  The help that is available and how my approach can assist children and adolescents affected by bullying or past traumas.

This morning I was interviewed on NPR on the subject of bullying behaviors and how we as a society can address this issue and how to recognize the signs.  http://kjzz.org/news/arizona/archives/201008/ME_Bullying.  Please feel free to comment your thoughts below.

Visit www.TruePotentialCounseling.com for more details.

Contrary to the bullying of the past, where bullies would be a few key recognizable individuals or gangs that posed a threat, the bullies of today use a variety of emotionally and physically abusive behaviors that negatively impact the self-esteem of fellow classmates.  Some behaviors consist of verbal insults, threats, pushing, shoving, grabbing, slapping,  kicking, biting, hitting, treats with knifes or guns, using knifes or guns, and theft.  Unfortunately, bullying exists because it works and is positively reinforced by the sense of power and importance gained after a victimization of another person has taken place.  It is vitally important for children at an early age to gain a sense of importance through nurturing, quality time and love from parents and positive role models as a preventative measure for future bullying.

On the contrary, in the 1940′s the major discipline concerns of the time were: talking out of turn, chewing gum, making noise, running in the hall, cutting in line, dress code violations, and littering.  In the 1950’s the image of bullying is clearly depicted in the hit t.v. show Little Rascals that portrays Butch as the neighborhood tyrant, regularly tormenting members of the fun-loving mischievous group.

In the 1990′s the top disciplinary problems in schools had shifted dramatically to: drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery and assault.   On April 20, 1999 the world watched in shock the massacre at Columbine High School.  As a result of relentless bullying these children took the law into their own hands and retaliated with the use of violence and killed several students and teachers on campus.  And today in 2010’s after the death of Pheobe Prince, we are reevaluating as a society the effects of bullying on the livelyhood of our youth.  The associated press/MTV conducted a survey on “sexting” which revealed that 30% of 14-24 year olds had been involved in some sort of sexual text-messaging and 18% had received a naked picture or video of someone they knew from that person.  With today’s modern technology electronic media has yielded another mode of attack: cyberbullying, such as intimidating someone via text messaging, email or posting on social media sites such as MySpace of Facebook.

From a research study conducted by Snell and Volokh in 2005 it is hypothesized that what causes of bullying and intimidation is due to: poverty, breakdown of families, domestic violence, child abuse, society-wide violence, drug culture, population mobility (anonymity), violent cultural imagery, materialism and advertising, competitiveness and high expectations from parent (which leads to loss of the child’s identity).

In order to address the bullying epidemic we need to address various components of the behavior.  First, creating a sense of community and accountability in our society by adopting and proactively applying the principles that it takes a villiage to raise a child.  Secondly, in the schools by incorporating education on communication, self-esteem, respect, trust, empathy, conflict resolution skills as well as a disciplinary system that sets clear expectations and consequences for bullying behavior.  Parents teaching these same principles at home and seeking parent training courses so they can create an effective framework in the home environment.  Lastly and most importantly, the child working with with a counselor and/or mentor to improve self-esteem, build up confidence, learn effective strategies, develop assertiveness skills, and the discernment to choose friends that foster and support their personal growth.

If you are interested in finding out more information, please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

As a parent some common warning signs if your child is a victim of bullying may be: depression, anxious avoidance of settings in which bullying occurs, a greater incident of illness, lower grades, suicidal thoughts and feelings, overly stressed, social withdrawal or isolation, and/or angery outbursts.  If these issues are not addressed the long-term effects for the child may include: reduced occupational opportunities, difficulty trusting others, lingering feelings of anger and bitterness, interpersonal difficulties (fear and avoidance of new social situations), increased tendency to be a loner, perception of self as easy to victimize, overly sensitive, and self-esteem problems.

The common signs to recognize if your child is a bully are: lying at least in part in the home setting, being abusive, narcissistic tendencies, sadistic in nature, destructive, violent acts, perpetrating upon victims, a ring-leader, aggressive behavior, dominant demeanor, treating people as though they are objects either to be used or disguarded, stealing, cheating, instills fear in others, underlined feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, appearing overly confident or cocky, and involved in cliches or gangs.

If you or a loved one has been effected by bullying and are in need of counseling, please feel free to contact me to schedule an appointment today.

For more information you can visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com.

When living in a fast paced society or city, where social norms and internal habits encourage us to be on automatic pilot, it may require a willingness to live life with intention and practice.  In choosing to look within for direction rather than using the external world as a compass, you may discover that you are more grounded, peaceful and present than you ever thought imaginable.  Try it out and see for yourself.  Dr. Dan Siegel, who is a mindfulness practitioner and psychotherapist explains the benefits of mindfulness and how it can be incorporated into you daily life.

For more information please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

1.  Deep breathing. Deep breathing encourages relaxation and relieves stress by lowering heart rate and blood pressure and easing muscle tension.  This allows us to slow down our sympathetic system (the accelerator) and allows the parasympathetic system (the brakes) to kick into gear.

2.  Improve your diet. Eliminate sugar, refined carbohydrates, processed foods and alcohol. Either completely eliminate or severely reduce caffeine intake as caffeine is a stimulant which stresses the adrenals.  Focus on clean protein (including nuts and seeds), which balances blood sugar and produces adrenaline; fresh fruits and vegetables, which are rich in vitamin C, bioflavonoid and minerals – fuel for the adrenals; beans and legumes which are fiber-rich and stabilize blood sugar and healthy fats, which also regulate blood sugar and fight inflammation.

3.  Adequate and Restful Sleep.  Take time to rest and refresh yourself every day.  It is recommended to avoid any visually stimulating activities 1-2 hours before bedtime, such as using the computer or watching television.  These tend to activate the mind  making it more difficult for the central nervous system to calm down.  Unplugging from the routine by going for a walk outdoors, listening to your favorite music or reading a book can help bring you back into balance.  Your adrenals are replenished between 11pm and 1am, so it is recommended to go to bed by 10pm to allow your adrenals to recharge.  If insomnia is a problem, taking 10-30 milligrams of zinc before bed may help as well as reduce cortisol levels.  Moreover, there is also an anti-stress drink powder called Natural Calm to balance calcium intake and restore healthy magnesium levels is especially helpful with improving sleep.  Hypnotherapy is also a very useful approach to improving sleep and calming the body on a deeper level during waking and sleeping hours.

4.  Specific Supplements. A good, whole food multi that contains vitamins and minerals, which are particularly important for adrenal health.  At Wholefoods there is an amazing product called GREENSuperFood which provides your body with a rich array of vitamins and minerals.  Vitamins C and B-complex, which are especially nourishing to the adrenals and green drinks like wheat grass and spirulina, an alkalizing source of trace minerals, protein and fiber;  inflammation-reducing omega-3’s like cod liver, krill or flax seed oils; and the amino acid L-glutamine to improve your intestine’s absorption of nutrients that can be compromised during stress.  Adaptogenic herbs such as astragalus, rhodiola and Tulsi or Holy Basil are also nourishing to the adrenals and help your body adapt to stress.

5.  Water.  Adequate hydration is necessary for overall health.  The basic formula is one-half your body weight in ounces daily.  For example, if you are 150lbs., drinking a daily dose of 75 oz of water is advised.  If you exercise or live in a climate that is especially hot or humid, drinking an additional 16 oz. is beneficial for optimal health.

6.  Manage stress.  A stream of negative thoughts leads to overproduction of stress hormones.  Becoming aware of your thought patterns is number one.  Prayer, meditation, faith confessions, praise, worship, practicing mindfulness, yoga and gratitude are excellent methods of stress management.

7.  Regular exercise. Exercise a great way to release endorphins and stress.  And it is free.  Just remember to keep it moderate to low in intensity so you don’t stress the adrenals any further.  It is ideal to exercise before 8:30am instead of in the evening, since this allows the adrenals to redevelop more quickly and help you manage stress more effectively throughout the day instead of taxing your system at night.

For more information please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com.

For more information please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

Height and Weight Table for Women

Lifestyle factors that can increase your chances of fertility is: not smoking, not consuming caffeine, reducing alcohol use, and eliminating vaginal douching from your routine.  Some environmental factors such as exposure to estrogen-like chemicals (i.e. soy milk has large dosages of estrogen), if you have been diagnosed with cervical cancer, if you have been exposed to Bisphenol A a chemical that is used for many plastic food containers and bottles, exposure to soft plastics such as Phthalates specifically dibutyl phthalate (DBP) that are found in cosmetics, exposure to pesticides which are widely used for most fruits and vegatables, exposure to electromagnetic waves or microwave emissions, and lastly high levels of stress can lead to potential intertility problems.  Brought to you by Andrea Cairella, MC, LPC with True Potential Counseling.  For more information please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

Some useful tips to help improve your sleep hygiene are:  a) to drink chamomile or relaxation tea before bedtime, b) to create a get ready for sleep routine (such as taking a warm bath), c) to avoiding any visually stimulating activities 1-2 hours before bedtime, such as using the computer or watching television, d) having a consistent bedtime and wake-up time (i.e. at or before 10pm since your stress regulating adrenals are replenishing between 11pm and 1am); e)   to unplug from the routine by going for a walk outdoors, listening to your favorite music or reading a book; f) to take 10-30 milligrams of zinc before bed may help as well as reduce cortisol levels and/or taking an anti-stress drink powder called Natural Calm to restore healthy magnesium levels thus improving sleep; g) or to do a hypnotherapy session with a trained professional; h) to keep a sleep diary; i) to only use your bed for sleep and sex; j) to make your bedroom the right temperature and dark; k) reduce or eliminate caffeine from your diet.

For more information please visit my website at www.TruePotentialCounseling.com

In order to emanate an accurate frequency of our inner light, it is important to be introspective.  Although your intentions may come from a very loving place, if your tone of voice, facial expressions, word choices, and the demeanor you project do not reflect what you are intending to communicate to the world, the message can often become lost or misunderstood.  Therefore, when you go out into the world to spread your light be mindfully aware of your words and actions so your light can shine brightly and be a ray of hope to the lives of those around you.

Although using these somatic sounds may push you outside of your comfort zone they are an incredible tool to healing your heart, mind, body and soul.  Try it today and feel the good vibrations from the inside out.

Other physical steps you can take concurrently on your own are cleaning out your garage to make space for a new car you want, taking a tour of a home to feed your fantasies or think of the qualities you want in a mate and living up to that list yourself.  Another simple activity is creating a vision board.  A vision board consists of using your imagination and adding the emotional feeling of abundance and possibilities as you cut out images from magazines that represent experiences, personal characteristics, people and opportunities you would like to have in your life.  This method allows you to place an order with the universe, manifesting your future dreams right now and anticipate the treasures to come.

When we uproot ourselves from the familiar we may feel a combination of exhilaration for the transformation ahead while also feeling as if we are leaving not only the intimate relationships and memories, but also a vital part of ourselves behind.  As you become established in a new place, you may initially feel lost; however, with time and new memories your roots can start to grow again.  One way to be free from the external changes in circumstances is to carry your home within you, to become your own foundation, and to allow the place you are in to touch your heart.  Listening to your heart is your compass as you choose a place that fulfills you and provides you with peace.  If you feel disconnected from where you once thought of as home may be a signal that you are ready to move on.  You will find home when the physical environment and energetic surroundings are in harmony with the person you are within.

Although these expectations can be a source of stability and vision, they can also limit our scope and deplete us from pleasure of the experience.  Because of our emotional attachments to outcomes, we create a constriction in our muscles and an internal angst that prohibits us from accessing the infinite possibilities available to us.  By letting go of expectations, we can create a more expansive framework that allows for options to unfold naturally.  One of the pitfalls to expectations is that whenever we fights against reality we will lose 100% of the time; however, when we choose to let go of our expectations, we can free ourselves up and open our hearts and minds to a variety of possible outcomes.

Life can throw us many curve balls; however, sometimes what initially appears to be an unexpected turn for the worse may become an undiscovered treasure.  My friend shared with me that she was unable to go through her job orientation this morning because her fingerprints results had not come in; thus preventing her from working and getting paid for the next two weeks until the next orientation.  Although most people’s reaction to this major speed bump would range from irritability to anxiety, her reaction was of acceptance and seeing what possibilities lied in store for her (i.e. relaxation, temporary job, a vacation, etc.). Her response was of pure acceptance of her predicament, thus allowing her to powerfully proceed and take next step forward.

Acceptance can appear more difficult to embrace than change because it requires us to fully face, feel and experience what is.  More often than not we are so quick to change, fix and make it different than what in reality it is that we often negate the acceptance piece of the puzzle.  It is like flying to Canada without first knowing what country you are in.  First we need to accept who we are and/or where we are at, before we can change ourselves and/or relocate to a new location. Two very significant skills that can assist us in entering into acceptance mode are: mindfulness and distress tolerance skills which are clearly outlined in Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Handbook and are typically taught in a group setting over the course of 6 months to 1 year.  Her video below describes the balance between acceptance and change.

This topic, acceptance and change reminds me of a very poignant story of a man who spent his entire lifetime intending to fix, change and improve the world, while forgetting the most significant factor required for change to occur.  “When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.  I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.  When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.  Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Often times we attach to people, titles, things and worries to give us an false sense of comfort, control, importance and stability; however, due to the constant changes taking place all around us, permanence is unpredictable.  Therefore, it is good practice to learn the art of letting go of our attachments.  One can simply begin this practice by gathering things around the house that are no longer needed and choosing to give them away or donating them to charity.  An even greater endeavor is to release items that you find valuable.  In doing so, you may feel an inner shift take place as you set yourself free.  It can be very liberating to detach yourself from things that no longer serve a purpose in your life and are in actuality weighing you down.  Although this may seem counter-intuitive to those who like being in control, doing so replaces your false sense of certainty with an inner sense of power independent of possessions or outcomes.

Our attachments to the expectations we have of ourselves, situations and others, can also have damaging effects often leading to frustration, conflict and dissatisfaction.  Some suggestions to avoid such pitfalls are: 1)to accept what is as opposed to what you want it to be, 2) to explore the meaning that you have attached to that particular situation, 3) to gain perspective and understanding of the event, and 4) to discover the potential lessons that can be learned from the experience.   For example, someone who is a perfectionist is attached to a fear of failure or a fear of making mistakes.  However, if this person shifted their focus and accepted themselves as they are and allowed themselves to reframe a mistake as a lesson learned instead of as a failure they would be able to gain a sense of inner peace that is rooted in love as opposed to fear and would be free to take risks and chances that they otherwise may have never taken.   Just remember life is like a dance.  Nobody cares if you can’t dance well.  Just get up, let go and boggie.

Another option is to identify a negative behavior pattern and explore the beliefs associated with that negative behavior.  Afterwords you can then create an alternative behavior patterns, the new beliefs associated with those behaviors and future behaviors that may ensue.   In reviewing the negative behavior pattern with the new behavioral pattern, you can take decisive action in your behaviors, beliefs and how you feel.  If you’d like more information you can refer to the video on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).