4 Steps to Non-Violent Communication
Often times a couple gets caught in a negative cycle: the blame game, demon dialogue or avoidance strategies. These approaches often lead to anger, exhaustion and pain and the issue is indirectly and ineffectively addressed. Couples tend to get stuck because they do not know how to communicate effectively or authentically when faced with his/her deepest needs, insecurities and exposed feelings. Moreover, connecting and sharing these feelings with the most important person in his/her life may feel like a foreign concept. Although getting caught in the negative cycle prevents you from experiencing vulnerability it also prevents you from connecting with your partner intimately and getting issues fully resolved. Below I provide a 4 Step plan to communicate with your partner or family members effectively.
1. Identify the Problem in a Factual and Non-Judgmental Manner: First, identify the problem by providing factual information to your partner describing what was specifically said or what specifically was done. Please note, factual information is NOT your perceptions, judgments, opinions, perspective or analysis or what you believe or think. Some examples of factual information are:
“When you made a decision without talking to me about it first and then said you did not care about what I had to say and stormed out of the room…”
“When you rolled your eyes at me and began asking me in a harsh tone why I had not cleaned the bathroom more thoroughly…”
2. Identify your feeling: Pinpoint what you are feeling when your partner does or says the action above. Some examples are: sad, mad, glad, lonely, hurt, abandoned, etc. Here is a link with a list of feelings to choose from: http://www.higherawareness.com/self-healing/emotions-and-feelings.html Some examples for the scenario above are:
“…I felt hurt, insignificant, sad and mad…
“…anxiety, uneasy, rejected and hurt…”
3. Identify your needs: Identify your primary needs that are desired and are not being met in the current scenario. Here is a link to help you identify your needs http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory An example may be:
“ …because my need for importance, partnership and significance was not met.”
“…because my need for compassion, understanding and acceptance was not met.”
4. Make a specific, tangible and request: Put your request out there and ask for what you need in the future. Be open to your partner either saying Yes or No to your request. An example to the above scenario would be:
In the future, I request for you to talk to me first before making a decision that impacts both of us.
In the future, could you talk to me in a calm and compassionate tone and express your needs and feelings to me non-judgmentally.
If you find that your partner becomes activated, does not hear you or is unable to answer your request, yes or no, you can begin the exercise again using the present interaction of not being heard. For example: “When you talk to me now in a harsh tone and change the subject to something else, I feel frustrated, distressed and exhausted because my need to be heard, understanding and peace are not being met. Would you be able to sit down with me right now and calmly listen and communicate with me so we can come to a mutual understanding?
Remember just like learning to riding a bike or learning a new skill, this new skill will take time and practice initially. You are learning a new style of communication so be compassionate and patient with yourself. Although this approach may be new and unfamiliar it will help you more clearly express yourself to your partner and give you a greater success rate on getting your needs met in your relationship.
For more information on how to improve your ability to communicate effectively with your partner, please contact True Potential Counseling for more information.
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